Before I get into this post I’d like to start with a disclaimer: I really don’t think I have cancer. I’d also like to mention that this post is basically going to suck. In fact, I wasn’t even sure if I was actually going to post it because I really should be studying for my exam I have tomorrow. In this post, there is no happy, positive part. It’s just plain facts with no real ending to it. So if Buzzfeed is more your style, I totally get it if you’d rather take a quiz to find out which “Dance Moms” cast member you are (text me your results, because I’d love to know).
This post is honestly more of a way for me to put all these thoughts that are stuck in my head somewhere else. If you know me at all, I’m not really big on sharing my feelings or thoughts. It’s to the point in which people give up on trying to get me to acknowledge and accept my emotions. Pretty crazy, right? We can discuss that in another post later though.
Anyway, for a few months now, I’ve been having some complications. I’m not going to get into my health problems because I really don’t want to get diagnosed by strangers. In any case, these problems have not gone away, even after seeing doctors. It’s become something that interrupts my daily life, so of course I did a quick Google search in the hopes that I would be smarter than my doctor.
We’ve all been there.
Googling headaches and finding out you’re pregnant and have a brain tumor. Or having a pain in your arm and finding out you’re still somehow pregnant with a brain tumor. Basically, you’re always pregnant with brain tumors.
Well, I did some research, and all my symptoms matched perfectly with two scary words: ovarian cancer. Now, quick history lesson, ovarian cancer runs in my family. Ovarian cancer is also extremely deadly, spreads quickly and symptoms are mostly silent until the cancer has spread. In fact, only 20 percent of ovarian cancers are detected at early stages before being spread to the pelvic and belly area.
Like most people who come across Google diagnoses, I honestly ignored it. I mean I’m 22, and what are the odds that something as simple as my symptoms could actually be something as serious as the C-word?
It wasn’t until last Friday when I went to see my acupuncturist, when things got a little bit more serious. First of all, I’m borderline obsessed with my acupuncturist. I call her my acupuncturist/psychic because she ALWAYS knows what’s going on in my life/what I’m thinking at every second. Most people call that Chinese medicine, I call it my psychic acupuncturist.
So, I told this wonderful woman what I have been feeling. She poked around a bit, stuck a couple needles in me and finally told me to make another appointment with my doctor immediately to get my ovaries checked. She stressed that it was probably nothing, but that something was telling her I needed to get it checked as soon as I could. Because she’s psychic (and probably not blind) she saw the fear come over me. How could she possibly say the one thing that I saw online? I knew she was telling me that making the appointment was just a precaution, but suddenly everything Google told me became so much more real.
So I did exactly what I wouldn’t tell anyone else to do: ignored it. I went about my life as if nothing was going on. Gator games; a couple trips to midtown; a margarita at Boca Fiesta; the list goes on. But inside, this thought that there was even a one percent chance that this could all be real continued to gnaw at me. It wasn’t until yesterday that I finally told someone and made an appointment for next week.
I can’t say that I don’t feel dramatic AF for having any of these thoughts. In fact, I feel ridiculous. It’s like I said earlier, I don’t actually think I have cancer at all, but it’s the feeling that there is even the slightest chance, to the point in which in needs to be addressed that freaks me out.
I’m not one to ever give in to the thought of fear. I’ve always thought, because cancer is so common now, that if I were ever diagnosed, I’d take it head on, and kick cancer in the ass and carry on with my life as a badass survivor. But as soon as all of this started, I became terrified. It’s funny the things you start to consider about your life when something like this happens. The first thing I thought was, “Should I have eaten more organic foods?”
Seriously….who am I?
So, I guess at this point I just need to wait until my appointment to hear that everything looks great. Because I know that’s what will happen.
If you’re still reading this, I commend you for making it so far down this slightly depressing post. Like I mentioned in the second paragraph, this post was more of a way to get all these thoughts out, and maybe even connect with you all on a deeper level. I like to see things in black and white, but this whole experience has gotten me to explore some of the greys, and as much as I don’t love it, I’m a huge believer that every experience helps you grow in one way or another. So, now we come to the sappier part of this post, which is basically the part where I tell you to live life to the fullest and do what makes you happy (I thought about including a lame quote off of Pinterest here, but decided against it).